questions & questions

Today’s not been so good. Mom called early morning to tell me that Dad’s got the pink eye, and the left eye was worse than the right, and that it’s been going on for 4 days. The antibiotic ointment didn’t help much, and now they were hoping that the drops would make a difference. She wanted my advice, and was looking for some consolation. This year hasn’t been too good for them, what with chicken gunya’s and flu’s and chills, and all that travel they needed to get done as part of various festivities, and obligations.
As dad was talking, out of the blue he says “why don’t you come here and finish up the Master’s program in Optometry? Then you can go back and practice. We are here to support you, can’t you come down just for 1 year?”

It took a huge effort for me not to break down.

I didn’t know if I had to correct his view on what was lacking, or if I should just play along and let him think of me as a snob not wanting to leave the comforts of our home. Considering my frame of mind these days, it was such a bad time for him to suggest anything remotely connected to my 9-5 existence.

It was dad’s dream for me.
It was my dream for me.

As I stand now thick in the middle of family, age, and responsibilities, so many questions hit me from various sides. Being 20 something was heaven. I am not much of a sentimentalist, but over the past few weeks thoughts of various kinds have been attacking me, regarding the choices I have made, some forced, some with no choice, some out of my own lacking. Some were made for me, those are easier to handle, just push the blame and wash your hands off after a good cry. Wish everything else could be panned off that easy…

Being at peace with what life’s handed you is not so hard. Ive done that. it’s what I want to do with myself hence on and how I shape the rest of me along with my sidekicks is the question.

Should career take over?
Money is important after all, right?
Is my sanity important enough?
Do I quit it all to stay home with my munchkin, just as I did with my earlier ones?
I have a late start compared to my peers, so do i risk pushing myself further down the lane?
I hate 9-5 restrictment, so will I ever be happy with whatever I choose?

Being an adult pretty much sucks.

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18 thoughts on “questions & questions

  1. Hey,
    Cheer up! I guess all of us stop from time to time to look back and check if the decisions we made were right or not. I guess there is nothing like a 100% correct decision – mostly we just go with gut instinct and hope it is right…

    So don’t think too much. Good luck and come out of your blues soon…

  2. At the end of the day, do what makes you happy.

    That is the only thing that truly matters. Of course, how you define happiness is entirely upto you! :)

    And hey, cheer up.

  3. oh my…for a moment i thot it was my own blog which i filled up in my dreams…so true…there r so many decisions which u wish, @ some point of time, were different from the way it has been. But then, feels good, i am not alone in such a state of mind.

    Lavanya

  4. I think you speak for many of us with these words, so maybe you should take some comfort in the fact that you are not alone in this quagmire. Sometimes retrospective thinking helps but often asking too many questions just leaves you with more questions than answers, I have convinced myself it is never too late for anything and believe me if you feel you are juggling one too many things, you are already prepared for it, so don’t quit.

  5. There are many times that I feel the same. I thought that as a kid I had so many questions but they were all so simple. The older I got the more complicated my questions grew. These days I combat this by thinking how worse can this situation get. And suddenly I find myself appreciating my life right now, as it is, without any change. :) Hope you feel better soon!

  6. Hi Rads,
    Long time.

    I feel the same, almost. I guess all of us feel earlier younger days were much beter compared to where we stand now. Thats mostly because only happy memories stay on with us from the past. I often feel what bliss it was to be a a carefree teenager at the warm comfort of home. So it is best to enjoy the happy time of the present to the fullest, bcos I am sure after a decade we will probably think this was bliss! Also, do believe you are not alone. :–))

    Reach for what you want. After all there is just one life to live.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  7. Rads: We’re all in the same boat. Being content and accepting what life’s dished out can be pretty hard – the hardest thing to do, as an adult. Maybe that’s why the younger we are, the happier we were, as we were pretty much more accepting of our life then. At least, that’s what I feel. There are many days when I go through exactly what you’ve written about – but then, this too shall pass…..

  8. Thanks everyone! Some days are good, and then some could be better. However heartless it sounds, there sure is comfort in knowing am not alone. :-)

    Have a fun Thanksgiving weekend everyone, and may the ones meeting family and extended family preserve their sanity ;-))

  9. {{{{hugs}}}} Whatever choice you made was the best & suitable at that time so cheer up!! You did great and you will be happy with ur choices after a relaxed weekend:-)

    Happy Thanksgiving & enjoy ur weekend:-)

  10. aww mommyof2, thats sweet – thankuthanku.
    remember that “weird” tag post you wanted me to do – couldn’t list more than a couple, so Ive been waiting to ‘collect’ some more to post – so here’s one – I can’t stay down or mad for long. I wish I did, sometimes I think that would motivate me to change course or actions – but that’s weird me for ya :-)

    Have a fun weekend too!!

  11. Rads, we try to do our best under each situation we are confronted with. In hindsight, it seesm that we could have done better if only we had….but I am sure without the benefit of this hindsight, we would still have acted the way we did.
    We all go through this kind of introspection and self criticism and doubts every now and then – proof that we are alive and growing.
    bravo on all your achievements so far, not mean considering you have had to mother 3 kids,and everything you wish to do in future!

  12. I empathize with you. I think we all feel this way one time or the other. I made several regrettable choices in life. But I strongly believe that every day is the beginning of a new life :) I try to control what I can and try to make my life happy as much as I can.

    It’s been several days since you did the post, I am sure by now the blues have passed and you are back to your chirpy self :)

  13. hey, you are still 20 something ;-)
    We won’t talk about what that ‘something’ is. Works for me :-)

    We all (well, most of us) go thru that phase, not knowing what to do next, whether we are on the right track. Esp, if you are limited by family and other circumstances. We make our choices and learn to live with them.

    BTW, was in your pettai over the long weekend.

  14. Not sure if this will make you feel any better, but still a very relevant story.

    I was talking to my friend a week back about our dream jobs. Funny, it was not being an astronaut or life-saving doctor. Both of us wanted to be married and have kids, and then take up a leisurely job of a librarian. I am not trying to say their job is very easy but how much I would love to be with my kids without the stress of a real job and get paid to sit in a building full of story books? I guess, when I am happily married with lovely kids, I would not want to just sit and read books.

    btw, I knew growing up sucks big time… and that is why stopped growing when I was 12… still an innocent kid :-)

  15. kid – :-) Lucky you! Gowing up has its perks, you may have to search hard to find them tho’ ;-)

    Muni – yeah, am realizing am not the only over-wrought thought process woman here!
    MD? I was there too!

    dna – thanks. This is just one of those days – yeah will post soon, and how’s the wedding coming along? :)

    usha – Thank you. The past is always is up for questioning. I just do what’s expected of me, and what comes naturally to me, so sometimes I feel like Ive won teh lottery and then there are the bad days. It’s all in passing :)

    deepa – haha, yea, women and their hormones!

    ekta – it’s not too bad ;-)

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