I no longer have patience

Of late, I have been reading voraciously. Just over the past few days, and exclusively on my phone. I used to not prefer that till last Thursday. I would mail in the material to myself and re-read it later on the laptop. Thursday, my laptop died. It refused to charge and it stayed dead. It was Saturday before I could take it to Best Buy and now Monday, before the Apple engineer restored it back up.
I didn’t miss it too much. I thought I would. Folks chalked every little snap or annoyance or brooding moment that reflected off my face over the past days to the possible withdrawals I was having from not tapping away at the laptop. Strangely, I wasn’t. The immediate explanation would be that I had the phone anyway. But no, the phone couldn’t and wouldn’t replace the laptop in many way. I missed the laptop to write here on the blog/a few writing assignments I’d undertaken, and to go google search, and plotting my cycle routes and calculating distances. I missed those in that moment, but after that it was okay.
When I let it sink in, it actually feels good.
It felt; and Ive always known it somewhere deep inside my sub-conscious that I am above a lot of the seemingly thick bonds I develop. With the people around me, and with some special objects I value. I am sensitive and I can get emotionally vested in relationships and values and people, but somehow when push comes to shove, I detach and watch the whole scene happen in an almost surreal ethereal unfolding of the drama. I know what will happen. I know the motions. I can sense it all, feel it deeply and yet not react.
Yes, am strange that way.
It’s probably my defense mechanism.
We all do.
Self-reservation and defenses I mean.
So in all my readings (not books, but tons of some fine incisive interesting articles that have flooded my thinking) I come across this fabulous piece, as said by Meryl Streep. She couldn’t have said it better. The words are exact, unapologetic and echo almost to the exact sentiment what I go through.  What the now older, mature 40 year old me thinks. It comes with age, nothing to do with maturity, wisdom or experiences, as much as we would like to believe.
It’s all of the above that comes with age.
When you really cannot take any more nonsense, coz it has struck a gong deep in your brain. The inner chamber, that the clock is ticking. The gong sets off roughly some time after you hit that FOUR -OH!
It’s when it hits you that you’ve lived half your life, adult life even, and everyone knows that when you reach the halfway point, the other half is usually a slope down. You could still peak differently, but going by the premise that life is a full circle, we all become acutely aware that the clock is ticking, and loudly, so we cannot ignore it any more.
Then you start looking inward and start making you the center of you.
You realize you don’t need anyone to be you.
You don’t particularly care for any acceptances, coz that doesn’t define you in anyway.
..and so on, till you really just cannot and will not take any crap. I realize now when I look back I never did take crap, but I had mellowed over the years, (the roles we play subdue us becoz of our vulnerabilities) but then we snap back again, secure in the knowledge that age is on our side, despite it not looking like it is!
I read this a few times. Twice aloud. When you read a written piece aloud, it sounds and rings strong and true. Try it sometime, you will realize. It’s the sound of your voice that your brain hears, affirmation so to speak.
Meryl Streep:
“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature.
I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise.
I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement.
Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.”
Am not completely there yet, but I am nodding my head to what looks familiar, and almost everything is familiar. In varying degrees.
I have no patience.
Must live life like a droplet on the lotus leaf. There but not there. The luxury of freedom.

Best friends and best friends forever..

Today’s daily prompt was on best friends. 

I seem to be (re)evaluating friendships and relationships, a lot lately. Actually that isn’t true. I have been doing that in the recent past, the immediate past and the current present has me completely letting go of all things that bind me down. It isn’t going great in case you were wondering, but that’s the ultimate goal. To be able to let go to the point that I still care but not bound by it.

ITS FRIKKIN DIFFICULT OK?

..AND I WENT THROUGH NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT THREE *NATURAL* CHILDBIRTHS WITH NO PAIN MEDICATION, AND AM SAYING THAT THIS BALANCE IS BLOODY DIFFICULT.

There! That balance is hard. For me.

Not for my best friends, though. They are marvelous little jugglers, with a genetic disposition of the long matted hair saints in the Himalayas, or a sleepy gecko in the caribbean. I switch according to how much I love them at that moment.

I am a useless loyalist. I really only have the bandwidth for one single friend at any given point in time. If you are thinking “wow” – let me assure you, it isnt a safe place to be. Not that the friend in question will cheat on you, which is a whole new rant in its own, but that situation and life is a b*tch and no one really is responsible but people change and times change and so the relationship goes through some subtle to crazy chemical reactions and no one really knows the outcome of what each of us go through while storming it.

All my school life, I had just one friend. ALL. I had friends, but she was my soul mate. I break into tears even now when she pings me or we talk just a bit more than the usual “life is crap, but whatever right? type of talks.

In college I had one more. I cheated on my bestie from the above. Serves me right. Coz I know karma pays back and I have paid for that heavily. I had one other girl bestie whom I related to more. It was great. She moved on after college and we occasionally talk, but she went through a tragic life changing event last year and has since blocked her away.

Also anyone who tells you earth is flat and there is the internet and its so easy to be in touch is A CLUELESS LIAR.

I didnt really have a good BFF for a while after moving here to the US.

Then I found her. She still is, and she makes me feel so comfortable and so at ease and I love her to death. Since two years, we aren’t in touch as much as I would like to just because of life and physical distances etc, but every time I meet her my eyes light up and I am very happy. I truly wish I could spend more time with her, but we all know time is again another slimy b*tch.

What this BFF taught me was that being BFF wasn’t two-way. Just because she is mine, doesn;t mean I am hers. It isn’t mutual, and it doesn’t have to be and yet, it is okay. Took me forever to learn that.

Don’t you just hate (re)learning things as an adult, but the funny part is that we learn the most valuable lessons as adults. Not as children.

I also think guys make great friends. They are the best actually when all you want to do is talk, and if you want to hear the truth, and not be judged. I’ve had some pretty awesome guy friends, mainly online, and they’ve all floated in and out of my life, just like we drifters are meant to.

Only catch with them is that they go get married. Then that wife hates you. She will never act out the fact that she hates you, she will never breathe a word about you, she will stand at a safe distance and smile if she has to, not at you, but her husband when you land in their life. She will ignore you and make you feel like a worm and unwelcome and essentially screw with your mind so much that it takes a herculean effort to NOT shadow that with what you have with the guy. Of course the guy will have to keep the wife happy and well, that’s then then for you, the sucker friend.

It’s again WORK, to look beyond and tread carefully and tightrope it etc.

Who likes to work and consciously? Sigh.

Or they go have a baby.

Or a dog.

Men are single track minds. So asking them for time when you want to quick chat or run something by you is perfectly okay, but once they get married, it is never the same.

So there goes that dow that draining sinkhole.

So yes, what was the prompt again?

“Do you — or did you ever — have a Best Friend? Do you believe in the idea of one person whose friendship matters the most? Tell us a story about your BFF (or lack thereof).”

Yeah, I do think friendships rock. They, like any relationship need work, and both need to want to be there. It needs to be watered regularly. It needs time, and space and trust and mutual respect.

For folks like me, who invest heavily in that one single relation-at one time; it’s an emotional drain and fear that we live in constantly. Coz you learn to recognize the signs. You block them, but there they are badgering you constantly. Then you know. You just know it, when that heart sinks just a bit low when you wake up one day.

…and then you wonder, will it be awhile before someone else comes along, will it be quick, will it be painful, and will it last long after the embers are dead, and you just know that life will go on. The wheels will turn and sometimes slow sometimes faster than u can cope, but they turn and you will hobble along with or without your BFF next to you, but the memories will always stay with you.

 

on karma

Think the guys who started this ‘karma’ business surely knew what they were saying. Took me a while to get on that bandwagon but all those cliched phrases are goddamn truth!

Pay it forward

You reap what you sow

and etc

It is super sweet when you do things with as low an expectation as possible on the returns and you are rewarded when you least expect it. Not always we make the connection, but am sure that’s how the world stays balanced. For every ass out there there is an angel somewhere who patiently waits their turn to come forth and create renewed faith.

Precisely why it’s important to believe that the world does not owe us anything.

You do your job. Stay on track. Do not expect. Life will be ok. If life isn’t okay, just chug away at your hope with belief and faith, and do not turn back. Ultimately it will be okay. Memory isn’t that grand for most anyway.

Also do not underestimate the power of the written word if distance is your enemy.

Reach.

Reach out again.

It’s okay if they don’t acknowledge or appreciate or even hurl back at you.

If you believe it is the right thing to do, reach out. Every word, every hug and every smile and every simple action counts towards your karma. It’s like the saying “Did the tree make a noise when it fell and no one was there to hear it” – Who knows? But logic tells us that it should have. That dent you make in a person when you reach out and when you can sense that they need it, oh that dent is made alright. You may not see it from here, but every small touch of that dent is making its difference alright.

Don’t mess with karma.

It’s one calculating, pesky little nit-picker with some crazy-ass memory. :|

tears

Tears that bring tears and then some tears than bring fresh tears

Okay that’s complicated. It shouldn’t be.

So am hobbling around coz the left knee is in a bad shape.

Ive been limping and wincing and tearing up over the past 2 weeks coz of a myriad of things that’s occupied my heart, body and mind. I am known to never-say-die and hold a stiff almost antagonistic face in adverse situations. I may look like I talk and went my heart out here and on twitter, Facebook etc, but the reality is different. It is not about looking or feeling weak. We all are weak and strong according to the situations we are dealing with, everything is a comparison and a relative to our own circumstances and sometimes in comparison with what else is happening around us.

Life is unfair.

I knew and know about it since I was a child. I am just consciously admitting to it now. I have had a good life, compared to many. I know. I am blessed with all that most of us take for granted. Yet, there is also a part of me that feels life has been unfair to me. Not once, not twice but many times. It’s actually a surprise when something does go right and according to the plan in my head.

Ive learnt to take it in stride. I feel sad, depressed and I wail, kick and scream and vent and contemplate murder or suicide and then once the tears dry out, am back on my feet (not literally now) and am there being a Ninja. Occasionally clumsy coz I know not what I fight, and occasionally honest and sometimes experienced, but I am a Ninja. (Maybe I should be one badass ninja for my next year’s halloween!)

I think back on all the various nodes of my life and realize that I’ve always had to settle for Plan B. Maybe it’s my bad luck or maybe it’s coz I didn’t work hard and long enough on my Plan A’s, but Plan B is always it. Sometimes it’s Plan C or D and so on, but the fact remains that I trudge on. I adapt, change, tweak and persevere, coz I know not any other way.

But honestly, isn’t that the case with everyone? We don’t give up and we can’t stop coz there is no choice. HOW we go about the detours in our life is probably where grace comes. Where we show intelligence in how we choose to move on and humility to understand that there are higher powers in existence that can and will dispose what we propose.

Stephen Hawking said ” Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change”

I don’t like change very much.

I doubt anyone does. It requires shift in thought, and then corresponding action on the change in scenario or situation. It is work. Who likes work when it’s forced on them? No one. We grit and bear through it for the final effect.

That’s where intelligence comes in I suppose. To be prudent enough to allow yourself to quickly change, realize that change is imminent and there is no choice but to move forward. How one changes with finesse and grace and ease so the transition is as minimal and visible as it can be, is what defines how intelligent we are.

I am on crutches since a week. Before that for 3 days I had pretty excruciating pain and the only two things that gave me comfort was my nice comfy day bed and vicodin. Since that’s tying down a restless me, I sought to make my DIY gifts for the season. I had yarn, needles, my hot glue gun, beads, baubles and everything that I possibly could around me. I hobbled to the stores, picked everything one day and haven’t moved much after that. I made yarn wrapped letters, doggy collars, baked doggy treats and made bracelets and bangles. Pinterest was the only constant window on my browser. I read a bit, and I wrote handwritten letters. I learnt to do one interesting thing on Photoshop. I am halfway through a book.

(Hey, maybe this grounding isn’t so bad!)

Driving’s good, except that am just not driving around for the pleasure of it.

The daughter has been a help and she has been doing my groceries for me, fabulously sticking to the lists I send her. The husband has been good with supplying food on the occasion I couldn’t cook, and generally being a support when I couldn’t crutch around. Son is being his usual lost in his world. Munchkin’s being a darling and gives me much needed hugs. Yesterday we watched Home Alone 2 (till it got boring) cuddled under the blankets.

I wait for the call that would set a date for the procedure.

A meniscal tear at the root. A tricky place for me to go tear my meniscus eh? It’s tricky. It also means that the cartilage can wear out quicker than normal (and am already halfway there!) and I land in osteoarthritis in my early 40s. How fun.

I was to be doing at least 10 miles at Hains Point this Saturday. Instead I have no clue what I will be doing, but I know for sure I won’t be cycling.

It’s not the end of the world. I will beat this, get my knee fixed, (just like I did back in 2008, and if u have some time, do read a few posts AFTER that too ;-)) do physical therapy and I will get fit and as much to my original self or even better than before. I will lose my goal of 20 pounds the good and hard way by this time in 2014. I will change, tweak and adapt and be the intelligent woman and person that I am. I just have to persevere and not give up and I will not.

Happy holidays folks!

2014, here I come!

Maybe this would be a good time to write that book ;-)