Best friends and best friends forever..

Today’s daily prompt was on best friends. 

I seem to be (re)evaluating friendships and relationships, a lot lately. Actually that isn’t true. I have been doing that in the recent past, the immediate past and the current present has me completely letting go of all things that bind me down. It isn’t going great in case you were wondering, but that’s the ultimate goal. To be able to let go to the point that I still care but not bound by it.

ITS FRIKKIN DIFFICULT OK?

..AND I WENT THROUGH NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT THREE *NATURAL* CHILDBIRTHS WITH NO PAIN MEDICATION, AND AM SAYING THAT THIS BALANCE IS BLOODY DIFFICULT.

There! That balance is hard. For me.

Not for my best friends, though. They are marvelous little jugglers, with a genetic disposition of the long matted hair saints in the Himalayas, or a sleepy gecko in the caribbean. I switch according to how much I love them at that moment.

I am a useless loyalist. I really only have the bandwidth for one single friend at any given point in time. If you are thinking “wow” – let me assure you, it isnt a safe place to be. Not that the friend in question will cheat on you, which is a whole new rant in its own, but that situation and life is a b*tch and no one really is responsible but people change and times change and so the relationship goes through some subtle to crazy chemical reactions and no one really knows the outcome of what each of us go through while storming it.

All my school life, I had just one friend. ALL. I had friends, but she was my soul mate. I break into tears even now when she pings me or we talk just a bit more than the usual “life is crap, but whatever right? type of talks.

In college I had one more. I cheated on my bestie from the above. Serves me right. Coz I know karma pays back and I have paid for that heavily. I had one other girl bestie whom I related to more. It was great. She moved on after college and we occasionally talk, but she went through a tragic life changing event last year and has since blocked her away.

Also anyone who tells you earth is flat and there is the internet and its so easy to be in touch is A CLUELESS LIAR.

I didnt really have a good BFF for a while after moving here to the US.

Then I found her. She still is, and she makes me feel so comfortable and so at ease and I love her to death. Since two years, we aren’t in touch as much as I would like to just because of life and physical distances etc, but every time I meet her my eyes light up and I am very happy. I truly wish I could spend more time with her, but we all know time is again another slimy b*tch.

What this BFF taught me was that being BFF wasn’t two-way. Just because she is mine, doesn;t mean I am hers. It isn’t mutual, and it doesn’t have to be and yet, it is okay. Took me forever to learn that.

Don’t you just hate (re)learning things as an adult, but the funny part is that we learn the most valuable lessons as adults. Not as children.

I also think guys make great friends. They are the best actually when all you want to do is talk, and if you want to hear the truth, and not be judged. I’ve had some pretty awesome guy friends, mainly online, and they’ve all floated in and out of my life, just like we drifters are meant to.

Only catch with them is that they go get married. Then that wife hates you. She will never act out the fact that she hates you, she will never breathe a word about you, she will stand at a safe distance and smile if she has to, not at you, but her husband when you land in their life. She will ignore you and make you feel like a worm and unwelcome and essentially screw with your mind so much that it takes a herculean effort to NOT shadow that with what you have with the guy. Of course the guy will have to keep the wife happy and well, that’s then then for you, the sucker friend.

It’s again WORK, to look beyond and tread carefully and tightrope it etc.

Who likes to work and consciously? Sigh.

Or they go have a baby.

Or a dog.

Men are single track minds. So asking them for time when you want to quick chat or run something by you is perfectly okay, but once they get married, it is never the same.

So there goes that dow that draining sinkhole.

So yes, what was the prompt again?

“Do you — or did you ever — have a Best Friend? Do you believe in the idea of one person whose friendship matters the most? Tell us a story about your BFF (or lack thereof).”

Yeah, I do think friendships rock. They, like any relationship need work, and both need to want to be there. It needs to be watered regularly. It needs time, and space and trust and mutual respect.

For folks like me, who invest heavily in that one single relation-at one time; it’s an emotional drain and fear that we live in constantly. Coz you learn to recognize the signs. You block them, but there they are badgering you constantly. Then you know. You just know it, when that heart sinks just a bit low when you wake up one day.

…and then you wonder, will it be awhile before someone else comes along, will it be quick, will it be painful, and will it last long after the embers are dead, and you just know that life will go on. The wheels will turn and sometimes slow sometimes faster than u can cope, but they turn and you will hobble along with or without your BFF next to you, but the memories will always stay with you.

 

wrap it

She fumbled with the door knob a little more than usual, and stepped inside into a cluttered room. The couch had yesterday’s laundry waiting to be folded and the dinner plates were still on the table.

He turns around from the kitchen counter, unshaven and hair tousled, coffee mug in hand and raises his eyebrow  while taking a deep sip.

“Want a cup?”

“Yes actually, I could use one.” 

He turns and looks around for a fresh mug, rinses out one from the sink and proceeds to empty out the coffee pot. She grimaces ever so slightly but doesn’t say anything. Removes a shirt away from the stuffed chair by the window and falls into it. Pulls her knees in and hugs herself, rests her head back and closes her eyes.

“Here”

“Thanks” and she takes a big gulp out of the mug, ignoring the stains outside.

“You look a sight. All okay?” 

“Yeah, am okay. Am always okay.” 

“Yes, that you are.” He settles down on the couch, barely pulling out a few clothes from under him to find a comfortable place as he stretches his legs and checks his phone.

Silence

He grunts looking at the phone. “Heh, so an idiot threw himself on the tracks in the morning rush hour and killed himself. Selfish bastard!”

“Huh?”

“Yes, he wants to die, it’s his life, why disrupt a ton of other normal folks who are trying to make a decent day of their lives. Track jumpers are the worst of the suicide troop.” 

“Wow, someone’s very kind and compassionate this morning. Is it the coffee? Coz I could use some of that as I face my day.” 

He grins at her and places his mug and phone down, smiles at her and says, “Am all ears” 

She blurted.  “I know you said to wrap it, but I just couldn’t do that.” 

He nods, staring right into her face, without a change in expression.

She was looking down into her mug, and continued, “I couldn’t wrap it.” 

“Why?” 

“I didn’t have the nerve.”

“No. You do. What was it?” 

She snaps at him angrily, looking into his eyes, “Shut up! There is nothing else. I just couldn’t. I love the ass.” 

“Ok” 

He picks up his coffee mug and takes a sip.

“He is an ass. I agree. I just can’t tell him off. Am afraid. For him, for me. This will change everything. Am not sure if am ready for change. I am so tired, and I just want things to be. I wish my head listened to my heart, and will allow things to just be. I love the guy, to bits. His faults to how he loves me. He loves me. You do believe that don’t you?”

“How does it matter if I believe in that or not? You do, that’s all that matters. You don’t need my approval.”

“Oh great, now my friend is being a jerk too.” 

“Men are jerks. We all are. Just differently. To different people, and according to what suits our selfish fancy.”

She looks at him, tears dancing at the edge waiting to topple down and in a torrent. The pent up emotions of the days before threatening to rain down and force her to act.

“Don’t cry. Please don’t. You can’t cry over him. He hasn’t been good to you. You surely deserve better. Plus, I can’t think straight if you start and at this point, one of us has to.”

She looks away nodding her head.

They both stare through the window, at the soft spring rain. The distant roads getting blacker with each drop. The trees getting greener.

After what seemed an eternity, he asks “Scrabble? I’ll let you beat me.” He teases her with a smile.

“Let me? heh, you bet your smart ass if I don’t thwack it out this window! Bring it on!”

M U Z J I K S 

She grins and rubs her hands in glee. “128 points, and we are just getting warm” 

He grins back at her.

“Welcome back” 

keep calm

..and carry on.

Yep, that’s what I have to do.Picture 70

So I did something really lame, stupid and downright ridiculous this morning, like at 7.30 am, on a Sunday. That in itself should be cause for alarming incredulity, but hey, we always try to beat the last time we were lame, and this time I outdid myself!
I didnt have my coffee by then, so am going shift some of the blame onto my caffeine deprived brain cells, but I can’t squirm out of this one all too nice yet. The recent weeks have been rough. In different ways. No, the kids are great and to an extent so is the husband (I mean, as unruffled as a normal couple of 20 years can be) but it’s all within. There’s just a lot of turmoil. It’s only fair.

This is the age to hit the mid-life crisis traditionally speaking. So I have hit and boy, have I hit it strong. Even Geico can’t fix it. (okay, lame joke, but today’s lame day remember?)
So yeah. I now have a flat blunt nose with how I’ve hit the breaker hard and square.
Ive done a few different things in the past 20 years of my adult life and none of them were failures. They weren’t back-slapping successes either, but if someone saw a quick 5 minute movie of my life, they’d be completely blown with the variety Ive packed in. Optometry to Information systems to dance to I don’t remember them anymore!
..and then we have those frikkin emotions. (no, am not PMSing either, can’t dump it on that crap!)
The feeling of complete uselessness, of inadequacy, of being lonely, of missed talents, the ones that can’t be shone, of *old* age, of lost loves, and current friendships and the whole drama of the unfairness of society, the cellulite around my hips, the buckets of cinnamon rolls that I downed, and the WTF am-I-doing-with-my-life-for-the-next-20-years-before-I-can-officially-retire-and-move-to-florida phase, of frustrated thoughts so deep down, they have their own zip code, and so much more.

So you see, my poor brain has been hitting this high traffic zone. So many different sparks, so many thoughts, it’s a fishmarket in there. Yep, when thoughts stagnate and fester, they stink too. So they stunk. (I just discovered, that past tense to stink is stunk. Nice! It feels very wrong thought right? say it aloud? “that fish stunk!” or “cooum river stunk every time we were stuck on that train!” – sorry, I digress!)
So yes, thoughts can stink. You, am sure are amazed at this complete devil that is stinking up your thoughts inside stirring this huge vat of thick poison. The flotsam which should if all proper vitals were working, would be neatly skimmed away, stayed thick and frothy. And theyve been frothing awhile. You ignore it thinking it will go away, but it’s there. Like IPL tweets on twitter. No, they aren’t flotsam at all, but you know what am saying. So they froth, collect more dirt and darkness and then they take over and engulf you when you least expect it.
That’s precisely what happened this morning.

It all came crashing down on me.
I barely got out of bed, and I barely had the toothbrush sticking in my mouth, but there I was frothing like a rabid dog.

*not a moment I ever want to recollect or even visualize as I write this, but we have to go through this for repentance, so we shall bear it through*

..and so I spit it out. On teh most unsuspecting gentle and loving friend I will most likely ever have. We all know how frikkin annoying we are as adults, and to make one good decent soulmate sort of friend is like asking for Arnab on TV to shut the hell up: Impossible. There was this person in the middle of heavy duty work and pulling with all strength and might through sleepless nights and lonely days, and I lay it all like a pile of crap.

Spit. Vomit. Repeat without rinsing.

Yes, I am a piece of work alright. As harsh as that may sound, at that very moment I was not worthy of understanding, care or even comprehension.

I regretted it since the very minute the words were out.
I waited for my frothing to slow down and with some coffee in me and deep breaths later, I wrote a quick apology out with as much grace as I could muster. I check in an hour with great apprehension, and guess what, the mail didnt go through. Perfect.
Now I rewrite it again, with a little more elegance and grace I can muster as a direct contrast to the uncouth language of before and I send again. A hour later, I get a feeble “it’s ok, have a good one”

My heart sank as it expected to.

As kids, it didnt matter what you say and when and who. It was expected.
To hurt someone as an adult deserves a special place in hell and that’s where am off to once I figure out what am doing with the rest of my life and when I do kick the bucket. To hurt a dear friend deserves oil-frying like they show in those old B&W movies.

..and then, it’s silence. Deafening kind. Radio-silence kind.

..and the heart continues to slink, regret, cry, cringe and hope that maybe, just maybe, you will be forgiven.

Guilt sucks.

In the meanwhile, what else can I do.
You mess up, you repent, apologize, and then you hope and pray and blog about it, change FB profile picture, try and joke around, read articles like so
(it’s actually very relevant and excellent and situational too) and hope and pray that maybe tomorrow will be another new day to smile and carry on calmly about.

Yeah. Keep calm and carry on. Coz there’s not much else one can do. Coz we’ve done plenty (damage) already.

Ugh.